not easy to go out of your safe zone and do something which will be
judged, sometimes even punished, that will make you doubt your own
beliefs. I would probably get laughed at if I openly said that I’ve
always liked/loved more than 1 people at a time. Yes, emotions are
not taken seriously so it doesn’t matter what you feel
like unless you meet that one and only person and stick with them – right? This very thought has been oppressing me for so many years, to the point I always believed that I’m just not suited for a serious relationship, I’m only good for fuck-around and quick stuff. I clang to people (multiple at a time), I held special feelings for each of them but I couldn’t communicate what I really wanted. Did I wanna be with them? Did I wanna have a serious relationship with them? And what does “serious” mean anyway? My feelings were thrown away most of the time, were not taken seriously and this made me believe I would stay alone forever – until I discovered polyamory (as a term, at least) and actually started practising it.
It is hard to be yourself in a non-free society, stay honest and fight for what you believe in; to turn pain into passion and become creative with it, like build up patience and work geniunely with jealousy; getting rid of selfishness and being empathetic about other people because, there are actually no assholes; Just human beings with issues and fears.
From the rise of private property to modern day society, we tend to believe that everything and everybody belongs to us. You got it you own it, and then you stop caring. Like buying a pet, holding responsibility for it and then forget that it is actually a sentient being that needs your company and care. Your partner or person of interest, both of you have feelings. They go through hard times, suffer, have fears and insecurities, need their personal time. They need their freedom. They have passions and goals. They search for their own truth. The same goes for
Helping yourself and your partner (or whatever kind of relationship you have) to grow is a vital thing. You’re also partners in the journey towards growth and authenticity. In order to achieve that we need to show understanding, listen to them, be in their shoes and accept their dreams or bonds which do not include us, without becoming overwhelmed by voices such as “be with me, don’t forget me!”, “you need to be with me only, why did you make
this choice now?” “You belong to me” in a possesive kind of manner. Relationships don’t work well with people being dependent to each other but with real emotions and care. Sharing fears and problems is a big part of communication, but forcing them on the other person can be manipulative and traumatic. In the end, you get two people full of regrets and repressed emotions. They will unfold their selfishness and hurt other people for
revenge and ego boost.
Art of Communication
One thing is for sure. I AM feeling something, I’m not dead! When I know that it is important for the other person to know what is going on inside of me, I need to communicate it. “I am attracted to somebody else” “It makes me confused”, “How do you feel?”. Being honest is the key and it saves relationships big time, as well as your own emotional realm. However, it is so hard to be honest when the whole relationship format is based on social standards, unprocessed emotions, situations that are taken for granted and unexplored sexualities. Monogamy can be beautiful – if only it was authentic and sincere. Lying to your own self about what you really feel, blinded by narratives such as “i cannot love two people at the same time, something is going wrong with me” will definitely NOT help you communicate in any situation. Respect and be honest to yourself and other people. There is also another problem to this, which has been especially bothersome for me. There are times when you know what you want, you are definitely ready to communicate it but your partner or metamour is just – not communicating it. You are killing it off with your patience, you are giving them so many chances to connect with you and tell you how they sincerely feel – and you get shit. Just tell me what you want from me, and don’t waste my time. Apart from dishonesty, this is also selfishness. Everyone deserves to know the truth, having their emotions and time valued instead of being teased around and tossed away.
Jealousy is AWESOME…
Yes I saw your face. In fact, it’s not that jealousy gives me orgasms and makes me feel like I’m on a strawberry feast but, it has become one of those emotions which I embrace and hold dear. Jealousy in love, friendship, anything. Possessiveness and jealousy don’t go well together cause one boosts the other and they eventually become a big nest of ego for fight and attack. Working on jealousy will give birth to your new self. When shit happens, sit back and selfspeculate: Why are you feeling jealous? Is this emotion, jealousy indeed? Sometimes we
misunderstand mixed feelings and needs, oversimplify them and label them as “jealousy” because it’s just easier. I mean, jealousy? Who said that relationships are only dates and candies…they will be hurricanes and tornados. Jealousy is the easiest to deal with. What about rejection? Isolation? Lack of self-worth in a partnership? The need for self-time and the inability to carry it off? Emotions are so vast and complicated that putting them short in “jealousy” just limits ourselves. For most people, the main problem in a relationship of whatever kind is jealousy and nothing else. However, people are so much more than that. Jealousy can be the need to grow. To become more beautiful. Become authentic. Evolve. Find your needs. Explore your sexuality. BECOME THE AWESOME YOU. It is not a negative emotion but your best friend – an indicator that you need to work on yourself at the moment it appears. Especially if you are the kind of person who doesn’t meditate or engage in any sort of spirituality, jealousy can be very intensive cause you don’t have anything else to keep you alerted on your self – growth journey. These people usually suffer a lot, hate openness, enforce their monogamous morals on others and are unwilling to work on themselves. They lash out at their partners, have painful conflicts and use them to become even more selfish instead of solving the real problem: lack of communication and confidence. “Polyamory is not for everyone” is something you often hear or say. Well, I will disagree to a certain extend. Firstly, because the opposite is hardly ever said: “Monogamy is not for everyone” and no wonder, since it’s the social norm. Also, despite the fact that polyamory is often treated as an endless-fuck kindergarten, there is much more to it. It is full of precious emotions, raw process and self-development. But in the end, it’s not about poly or mono, because these are just plain terms and people or relationships are fluid.
Your ego SUCKS though
Ego or in other words, selfishness is a real killer and the root of evil, not jealousy. The fear of dishonesty, loneliness and rejection are usually the main sources where the feeling of jealousy stems from: You thought you were the “only” one for your partner, that your partner is the “only” one for you and that you fulfill each other’s lives on every level. You though you both were complete because you had each other. Maybe you lied to yourself that you were not alone and that your perfection is confirmed. People are not afraid to have relationships, but to feel bad emotions and become free. Having responsibility for their choices and be in charge of themselves and the impact they have on others. Social norms can be perfect to help us run away from self-improvement and the truth. Jealousy is a label, the easiest demon to summon when “I don’t wanna work on myself”. Jealousy can also be caused by the behaviour the partner/person of interest expresses out on you for their own ego boost. Most poly relationships fail because the partners followed the poly label so compulsively that they thought they are not allowed to feel jealousy or rejection. They consider these feelings as self-failure. What was the point of going poly if one is not ready to become free?
After exploring jealousy and its source you might be surprised how selfish you or your partner have been, that the problem was mostly due to personal issues and not about “how much I love you!” The scariest part I have personally experienced with jealousy is the social judgement. “You are a woman, do not fuck around” “You are poly, go fuck around” “Why does he have more partners than you?”. “You are just a sex maniac” “You seek emotional shelter”, “It’s just a phase, it will pass”, “You are in a relationship, keep it sacred and leave others alone”. As a fellow poly once told me: “Sometimes I am even made to feel like a monster who destroys
what is dear and holy to other people”. These statements in all their possible forms can be very oppressive and need to be fought against. Even in open relationships it can happen that one person is oppressed by social judgement and they shame their partner for doing things they themselves could not. On a sexual level, this is even more common.
Self-issues are laid out on sex and that kills AUTHENTIC sexual expression
Monogamy is a state of relationship which usually does not come from genuine will but is imposed by the church, family and social norms. Monogamous -not only- people are oppressing themsleves so much, emotionally and sexually that they cannot help but spread their issues in the social sphere thus making them a social problem. Monogamy is about two people fucking each other. When the hard time comes and one wants to experiment sexually with some other person (yeah it is common and NORMAL) jealousy strikes in. Most of the times the couple oppresses their sexuality in a way that sex is compulsive and not that pleasing anymore. Every person needs variety in their life, experimentation and -sexual- adventure. Monogamous people are not “allowed” to “cheat” – to sexually engage with other people. And this prohibition cannot entail sexual freedom. Slut – shaming is definitely an issue but I have been surprised to realize how the sexual freedom of men is also oppressed because they “wanna have many women” , “they are not relationship/possession material”, “he is not mine”. Women also want these things but they are so afraid to admit it to themselves that they often fall for the monogamy trap in order to activate and prove themselves in a relationship – that’s the only ambition some have in society. The worst part is when they slut shame other women and polyamorous people because of this. The lack of communication and emotions in general has led many people to focus on sexual communication compulsively – a beautiful kind of interaction indeed, but it’s not the only source of connection with one or more people. Relationships and people are there to be explored to the fullest, finding pleasure, interact in many ways and help you become your better self. Communication (and even the sexual one) has been reduced to “how many orgasms you had”, “were you fully pleased?” “did she/he fuck you hard?”, “oh my god, that’s so kinky” ! But the ego and selfishness of people fails them in interaction and manipulates their sexual expression. People wanna receive without giving, selfishly ask others to satisfy their needs instead of realising that the other person is not a sex machine or a material and emotional charity.
Sexuality is not only about how many toys you use, how kinky you are, the number of orgasms or if you’re having any – it is about loving it. It is also about loving the fact that you or somebody else is not into sex. Accepting the variety and the freedom the body needs to experience. Most importantly, it is not about fucking many people – and here I will get back to this “You are poly, why don’t you fuck around?” I will say it again: Polyamory is not an endless-fuck kindergarten. It is self-expression outside the social norms. To be honest, I barely fuck around in this phase – not because I’m scared or an emotional, by nature monogamous and loyal woman (for fuck’s sake) but because I respect my body and wanna act on my own will. Toxic-monogamous people have so much fear and sexual oppression indeed: so much that when they “imagine” themselves being in an open relationship, they only see jealousy (fear) and endless sex (sexual oppression) maybe because they are the ones who are lacking their free and honest sexuality.
People and relationships are imperfect Ok no news, but one needs to start from somewhere. There won’t be any ideal person or “the one” who will guide you through dark times and lead you to heaven with no ups and downs. There won’t ever be any perfect relationship. As there won’t ever be a perfect friend. One might have many friends to fulfill their needs. Monogamy goes hand in hand with gender roles. It took place as another form of private
property anyway. In an average monogamous relationship, people are trying to fit in their roles and act accordingly. The communication breaks down when the “cis man” blocks his emotions and “the woman is too emotional”; when the man wants to have other women but the woman feels slut shamed and scared of losing him. “She loves him too much!” to even think about others… However, being a couple has become almost a fetish. A dear and holy form of relationship where everyone else is a potential danger. The fixed dates, fixed situations, fixed emotions and phases which are taken for granted. Fixed endings. The fetishized couple is also “the perfect straight” one where the roles are well divided. Feminism has helped women liberate themselves and smash a bunch of these stereotypes, but the mono/heteronormality is deeply rooted in us. What I see is liberated couples repeating these stereotypes in a more subtle way, without admitting that there is actually a problem: each individual in this couple is not really free. Deep down inside there are insecurities, anger, fear. Women who slut shame themselves and men who are lost in their identity.
Polyamory is often considered as an alternative form of relationship mostly practised by BDSM or LGBTQIA+ community, because these people don’t agree in the first place with gender/sex roles and the relationship forms these impose. This is not really the case though, as polyamory is for everyone regardless of their gender or sexuality. There is one main thing in common with this community though: We are not emotionally shattered, retarded, sexually disturbed and we definitely do not need a psychiatrist. The feeling of fucking whomever you feel like, loving beyond genders… Loving beyond numbers while lighting your cigarette in front of the sea and hating oppression is an ultimate feeling of freedom I wish everyone will experience. We are not hippies; We wanna change society by transforming the bonds of prohibition and punishment into free relationships of whatever kind. It’s not that we are insecure or greedy and thus need more lovers. I mean, would you ask me why I prefer two fingers instead of one?